In our world today, we are highly exposed to sexual knowledge, practices and the rest. There is so much sex in our face. I doubt you could watch a series without someone having sex. It's littered all over our music videos. Our friends talk about it. Some of us believers even hide to engage.
Everyone knows one or 2 about sex. Everyone of us (even those that are not having it). We all know something
And this rubs off on me somehow. I know Samson knows something about Sex but I don't know what
Same as our other friends in Christ
Why? Because we are doing hidey hidey
Here is the issue I have. Because Christians do not talk about these things, we don't know who has the "right" knowledge (with respect to our faith)
How do we control the narrative for ourselves as Christians since the world keeps putting this sex thing in our face. When we have questions, and we search online, the answers the search engine give us, whose voice do they echo
I've realised, people actually have questions. Christians especially. And if we do not put aside our embarrassment and provide answers with respect to God's perspective, people will get answers from the world and its culture. We will be doing that today and some other times too.
First, what is Sex?
Samson - Sex is broader than before. It used to be the rhythmic insertion of the male reproductive organ into the female's. Now, two males can have sex. Two females can have sex too. But I think in the context of this teaching, I go with the rhythmic insertion definition
Dasi - And it now has branches.. Oral sex as being one of them. I think it's the insertion of the male reproductive organ into that of the female's
Ally - How do they define sex eh😂 I think it's interaction between the male n female reproductive organs😅😂
Seun - It's all the activities (kissing, cuddling, vaginal penetration et al) involving the genitals between two people primarily (male and female) as designed by God.
So from the dictionary, this is what it means to engage in sexual intercourse:
sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man's erect penis into a woman's vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.
Saw this particular definition while searching for what sex is online. Sex can actually be self pleasuring or shared with someone.We will come back to this as we go on.
Now, I want us to know this: God is pro-sex. Sex was God's idea and He gave it to us for our own pleasure and procreation. God is actually interested in sex 😁 In fact, He is very much committed to the intimate, romantic and sexual aspect of our lives.
God loves intimacy, very much. As believers, we know how much God hungers to be intimate with us?
HE SENT HIS SON TO DIE!
Now, if we do not have a relationship with God i.e accept His proposal through the sacrifice of Christ on the cross, we can't be intimate with Him. It is not possible.
One thing you notice in the bible is the comparison between Christ, the church and earthly marriage.
If we are following, I think we can spot a pattern.
While we might want to define sex as putting a penis inside a woman's Vagina, this is Farrrrr from it. Like way way farrrrrrrr
For the believer, sex is 100% intimacy.
We see the beauty of sex in songs of Solomon. We see the joy of physical, sexual love celebrated in the most intimate way we can ever think of. I think if we were to have a visuals of the bible thrown down from heaven, when we get to Songs of Solomon we will probably close church 😂.
Solomon wrote 1005 songs. Yet the Bible picked this one as his best.
1 Kings 4:29. God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore.30. Solomon's wisdom was greater than the wisdom of all the people of the East, and greater than all the wisdom of Egypt.31. He was wiser than anyone else, including Ethan the Ezrahite—wiser than Heman, Kalkol and Darda, the sons of Mahol. And his fame spread to all the surrounding nations.32. He spoke three thousand proverbs and his songs numbered a thousand and five.
The Song—best of all songs—Solomon’s song!
Song of Solomon 1:1 MSG
THE SONG of songs [the most excellent of them all] which is Solomon's.
Song of Solomon 1:1 AMPC
Solomon wrote 1005 songs. I'm not sure how lengthy each is (as we do not have access to all). I'm sure He sang about God, life issues, problem, plenty things
Out of the 1005 songs, do you know the one God passed down to us? Songs of Solomon
The song compilation that highly appreciates intimacy and sexual relatability
And it wasn't just passed down to us. The Bible says, it's the most wonderful/beautiful song ever written by Solomon.
Sex is sweet. Sex is beautiful. Again, sex is very sweet (don't ask me how I know abeg, read the bible)
Sex is God's gift to man and Should be enjoyed as often as we can think of. But there is a caveat: Such level of intimacy should only be explored within the confines of marriage.
God is not a subscriber to casual sex or we are in a relationship sex.
When we make love (as God wishes), we experience the joy of unreserved passion. We discover how to give ourselves in complete abondonement, not in anyway unhindered, to another. If you pause, this phrase almost sounds like what happens in worship.
How can such level of intimacy be casual?
If we look at the first chapter of Songs of Solomon from verse 2 downwards, there is so much mention of love. Sex in God's perspective is love making, more like love giving. The detailing in each verse is amazing and sensual.
I think I have to normalise saying: I can't wait to give love. Instead of I can't wait to make love (it's not jollof rice 😭😭). This is how it was intended by God, that in giving, each participant is fully satisfied
This is what happens with sex. We are not just expressing the love we have for each other, we are giving it and ourselves in all fullness.
Giving stuff/gifts to your partner is sweet. But nothing beats the intimacy of Sex as it is beyond an expression of love, it is giving of that love and self in all entirety
Sex is not just thrusts, thrusts and thrusts, No! We see expression and the beautiful act of lovemaking in this book of Solomon's songs (we will explore it properly when we get to that part in our bible study)
Sex is sweet
Sex is intimate
God loves Sex, He is pro-sex
God wants us to enjoy sex completely
Now, to our caveat: Sex is designed for marriage
All of us unmarried people have no business whatsoever with sex in practice (and this will include oral sex). If I buy banana, cucumber or a dildo and use it on myself, i am practicing sex. Remember the definitions from the beginning.
Sex can be self pleasuring (I was shocked when I found out too). Oral sex is a type of sex.
Us single believers have no business with sex, in any of its variations. We say sex is giving of self to another, an expression of love, total devotion in complete abandonment to another. First, this kind of giving can only be done within a certain level of commitment (we call it marriage). Second, we can't be doing this with more than one person.
It's clearer why adultery and idolatry have been referenced together in scripture. It's a grave sin against your own body. How can you give yourself to woman A and then to woman B? How many self do you have?
Let's never forget the sacredness of love giving/sex inside of marriage. Married or unmarried, please do not forget
Question: Remi what happens with those of us that have had sex before?
I figured this would be on the minds of some of us (alongside other questions), so I will be taking time to answer them. First, you need to stop having that sex. This is not God's wish and you know it
One thing the devil does is mess with our conscience. He brings the guilt of these acts every time. This violation against our own body can actually affect fellowship with God, that's how much a big deal it is.
Now, I know saying Stop won't just cut it. But you can actually really stop, I say this in all honesty. Of course, not by your power. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for help, even as you set some boundaries physically in your relationships
Another lie the enemy tells is this: You have started already, just continue. You are already damaged goods. You already sinned
See, that guy is a big liar. He is the father of lies. Sexual sin is sin, just as every other sin. Only difference is, it is against your own body, self and being. When the blood of Jesus was being shed, it didn't jump and pass sexual sin o
So receive the forgiveness and washing away of sins that Christ freely offers. God really washes us so white
Your past sexual sins do not define you or decrease your value or the value of your purity. So you've had sex before and you want to stop or you've stopped already, your sexual purity is not less or second hand compared to Samson that has never had sex
In God's sight, you are as sexually pure as the one who has never had sex (thanks to Jesus)
So don't listen to whatever the enemy says about this. You are back on track. Clean slate
For you reading this today, It is never too late to start over. Jesus actually wants to help you.
(Please if you have any questions or need to confide privately, my DM is open)
Now that we are all on the same page (I believe), what about the demands of our bodies?
"Ha! Remi, but I get horny. What do I do? 😭😭" Well, me too. In fact, me three.
Remi gets horny too. (Glory to God). We are All sitting on this table together
So don’t continue to refuse your spouse those rights, except perhaps by mutual agreement for a specified time so that you can both be devoted to prayer. And then you should resume your physical pleasure so that the Adversary cannot take advantage of you because of the desires of your body.
1 Corinthians 7:5
Our focus is on the last part.... Cos of the desires of your bodies
It is a natural thing to have these desires, very natural. How do we enjoy lovemaking/sex in marriage should we have no desire for it?
It is actually very okay and normal to feel horny, very okay. Now, here's the place a lot of us Christians miss it. We shy away from this truth about our bodies, which is wrong.
Knowing this truth is not a bad thing, neither is it wrong.
You know what is important? What we do with this truth after knowing it.
A lot of us take knowledge of body desires as a go ahead to engage in sexual activities. Actually, No!
For most women, I know we have our hormones acting up almost every month, at a particular time.
What is this knowledge to me as a woman? Thank you God for the desires of my body. This knowledge is my body saying, should I marry tomorrow, it is ready to give love and respond to it
It is my body really acknowledging that it is normal. It is on track with God's will for intimacy in Marriage and ready whenever I am.
So yes, this is the social conditioning of my mind towards every hormonal balance. (I refuse to call it imbalance especially for the sake of this conversation 😁)
I don't know how it works for men but I understand the bodies respond also to certain things in desire. This is all your proof that your machine gun is konking and ready to work, when it is time for work (marriage). No testing anything before marriage please
If we watch movies, when a man impotent/infertile, they ask questions circling this part. Do you get aroused? This shows that it is a normal thing, when we get to a particular age.
Again, knowing/acknowledging these things is not a go ahead for anything. Rather, it gives us a perspective of our bodies and the God's divine will for us in marriage (which is plenty enjoyment in fullness). And it guides us in being in control too.
You know your body, now allow your spirit be in control. Set your mind on heavenly things, as sex is not your business yet. Purge yourself of contents that expose you or increase your urge for sex
Now that we know what sex is and how God feels about it, let's move to CONSENT
What is consent?
Seun - It is an agreement given at a given time to allow ones partner have access to their body.
Sumi - I think its seeking one's opinion before taking a decision or going ahead wih smthing
Thank you very much. You guys are correct
It is Basically agreement to engage in any sexual activity.
Now, as believers we are not having sex, so why talk about consent? Asides trying to treat our past, so we can work on retribution where necessary, our relationships also need consent. And a lot of people don't understand this concept
You meet Christian men to hang out and before you know it, somebody's tongues is inside yours.
Did I tell you I want to be kissed? What's your hand doing on my breast just because we went out together?
I've noticed that we wait until someone objects instead of truly obtaining consent before proceeding. This is true for the secular world also.
Truth is, Consent is very unsexy. But you see that awkward first conversation? It is best to have it
You can proceed with all the sexy you want when you guys are married. Most ladies don't know what to expect from dates, visiting a friend (believers even) cos people do not understand that No means NO. And you should not try to see if it's a NO or yes
Get your yes before you try to kiss anyone or engage in any sexual act. Be sure the other person wants the same
Now, I will move to a part that affects us a lot as believers.
Consent in relationships
Most believers enter into a relationship and of course they discuss boundaries. Please if you don't, start now (no matter how spirikoko your partner is). Discuss all the areas.
Can we kiss or it's just peck? Are we allowed to hold hands? Should we meet only in public places?
Etc
Set your boundaries with your partner. If I agree with a partner that no sex, I see no reason why you should be dragging my pants down while kissing me. If we both agree to just holding hands, your lips should not be trying to touch mine, except there is an understanding between us.
"Remi, but some women don't talk or say anything cos they are shy. So they want you to use your discretion". Whoever cannot talk, please leave them alone. Women hate having to push your hand away or scream No. It breaches trust and it's a violation of their bodies.
Now, note that consent goes both ways. It is not only women that give consent, men should too. And we women should learn to respect this. Don't be found trying to seduce a man. Opening your breast or any part of your body in seductive measures. They didn't tell you they want to see anything
You like a man, tell him or pray about it. Don't go about violating them. Consent is not the absence of No. Consent is the presence of YES
Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity . Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves. Abandon every display of selfishness. Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests.
Philippians 2:3-4 TPT
Put others first. Don't be after your own interests only. Honor God, Honor other peoples bodies and even their decisions.
There’s so much at play in these situations. It isn’t always as easy as “yes is yes”
Some people's yes do not weight in the law. Our focus tonight will be Nigerian law
For example, I am 17. I cannot give consent to date you or kiss you, a 25 yr old man. Section 31 (3) (a) of the Child's Rights Act 2003 states that, “Where a person is charged with an offence (of unlawful sexual relations with a child) under this section (31 of the same act), it is immaterial that the offender believed the person to be of or above the age of eighteen years.”
I'm not sure what the law says in Cameroon, Ghana and every other country. But I know most countries have 18 as age of consent. As believers, we should not be dating anyone under 18.
They look mature ❌
They act mature ❌
They are not legal and can't give you any consent
Question: What happens if I've had sex with someone or touched anyone without gaining consent in my past? I know God has forgiven me. Is this enough?
Truly, the forgiveness of God is enough in terms of giving you a clean slate. But it is not enough in terms of moving on. First, you must admit you've abused these people
Second, you should reach out to them. It's very important to reach out to those you've abused in the past. Yes, ordinary kissing without consent is abuse. Apologise to them and most importantly pray for them.
You see, most victims of sexual abuse almost never move on from it. They remember everything vividly. Even memories from as early as 4 years old, a lot of us do remember. While you've moved on and accepted Christ, they are most likely still suffering ptsd from that one experience.
They are making decisions about their bodies based on that encounter
They might not forgive or give you audience, but it is important you do. Also, if they decide to take you to court for rape, true repentance factors in Retribution. Whatever happens, most important thing is you are saved and God has forgiven you. Sometimes, we have to pay for our crimes here on earth (regardless of our salvation stance). This doesn't mean God didn't save you or He didn't forgive you. No.
A section in the Nigeria law provides death sentence for sexual relations with a person under 11
Question: What if we were both under 18 when we had sex?
This is not a crime with respect to the law. (I think except one party is 3 - 4 years older). Will look it up in the constitution.
Now, does this mean it is right? No
God's design for sex is inside of marriage. Nonconsensual sex is ALWAYS wrong. Consent also doesn't start/end with sexual stuff.
If I tell you I don't like certain words/conversations, you should respect it. If I don't like being pestered, leave me alone. If someone is interested in you, this thing is very easy o.
As simple as Abc.
When someone says No/Stop, they do not mean try harder. They meant exactly what they said and you should take it as such.
Also, I feel Christians sometimes try to play around sexual assault. Why are you standing with an abuser? Why are you giving 10k reasons why the victim is also at fault?
Over the years it's been noticed that The church minimizes (or ignores altogether) issues of consent and sexuality. We’ve joined and sometimes led the chorus of indifference or victim blaming.
In doing so, we are failing to acknowledge the murkiness surrounding sexual consent, we are passing down judgments instead of grace and compassion.
We need to open our ears and hearts to the pain and confusion around us, to believers and nonbelievers alike navigating the issues of sexual assault and consent.
People in the church are struggling. Yes, these things happen even inside the church.Women are constantly on guard as they attempt to date, never sure what a man will try to do to her or when she may be in danger. (no, church brothers are not excluded from the men we are scared of. Not even pastors)
There are people in your classes, your workplace, and in your congregations who are hurting and ashamed because they have been pushed further than they wanted to go. Because someone didn't understand No.
Some have been harassed and others were abused or assaulted. Many only find further shame and heartache when they turn to the church.
We are light of this world, we should be leading the way—a voice of compassion and hope in conversations surrounding abuse.
Where others question and seek to blame, we can listen and offer empathy and prayers.
Where others turn a cold shoulder to a problem that hasn’t caused them pain, we can learn and take a stand.
We can acknowledge inequality, advocate for the vulnerable, and call for better standards. As disciples of Jesus’ justice, we should be leading the way in teaching and embodying safe, respectful sexual relations.
Yes, the church is part too. We members are dating abi in a relationship. We are holding hands or even kissing. Let's not pretend this is not happening.
We should change our attitudes and try listening to those who have been assaulted or someone who was pressured to go further than he or she wanted to go, we should remember this truth:
“Only the church can speak of God’s unconditional love, unfailing grace, and power to restore the fallen and heal the broken.”
This is the example Christ has left us. I pray that we are all more empathic towards victims. That the church comes to understand no abuse is small. We reach out to the broken and hurt in love. We are not part of those who hurt God's children by taking advantage or violating their bodies
I also pray for everyone here that has been a victim of sexual abuse
That God heals us all, He takes away the triggers. He helps us to move past that occurrence. He helps us to see our worth in Him. He helps us to forgive. God's love and healing flows in us.
Amen
