Though we don't talk about it much, I do not think there is a church without a member that have felt hurt at some point by the church.
The difficult part about church hurt is victims coming out to speak to leaders in the church or older believers about their pain, and they meet a defensive wall.
That need to protect/defend the church (or its reputation) forgetting the church is the people in it.
The victims are even sometimes blamed for whatever happened
A lot of people have been abused (in all kind of ways) by spiritual parents/shepherds who should have been their guide.
Ranging from gossips, disappointments, scandals, lies, misunderstandings, conflicts, envy, rivalry, condemnation, loneliness, bad leadership down to Emotional, physical and even sexual abuse.
All of these in the body of Christ.
I'm so certain if we were to bring together everyone that has stepped into a church, we'd find that every church has in one way or the other hurt at least one of the members (probably without knowing)
I myself have seen Church Hurt. I saw it while growing, though I didn't know what exactly it was called neither did I understand it (since it wasn't happening to me).
But now, it makes more sense
Sadly, I have also experienced church hurt.
I have met some who have been bruised slightly, some burned badly, so much it has affected even their faith or make them leave the church and others walking around with scars/wounds that run so deep
The church, a place for safety, acceptance, forgiveness, finding one's self and growing in Christ, a place built on love.
Who would have imagined such a place would have elements of strife, rejection, conflicts, hatred etc?
I've spoken to people on this and I'd say it is painful for the victims when they are blamed for their hurt or the church and those involved refuse to take responsibility then sitting in the church pews watching those who have abused you teach all that is contrary to what they've done to you
This messes with the mind sooooo much.
Especially for cases of abuse, you start wondering if the person next to you is also that way.
An "animal" pretending to be Christlike/Holy in front of people.
You might even go as far as wondering, is there really anything like Christ like?
Is it all made up?
NOW, here is one bitter truth:
We can't afford to spend time dwelling in the hurt or how the other party could have done better.
It breeds bitterness, deepens the hurt/pain, leads to unforgiveness sometimes unbelief (if not tended quickly).
All of these is not healthy for our spiritual life/growth
Another sad part, all these things you feel have no effect on whoever offended you in the church.
They are solely YOUR feelings (even if you are right about feeling hurt)
Imagine being shot by a thief on your way home, your first duty is to get help
Take care of you.
The thief doesn't feel your pain
If you are not fast about getting help, might lead to your death.
The thief is still alive, could accept Christ tomorrow and be forgiven
So, YOU first
Why is the church (members of the body of Christ) hurting people?
For those that have been through church hurt, this is one question you surely ask (maybe for closure)
Like how? Why?
Let's have it in mind that the church is the last place anyone expects to get hurt, so when it happens that pain runs very deep.
Since no one comes to the church with guards up, there is a lot of vulnerability leaving us not ready/prepared for church wounds.
So when we receive these wounds, they are seldom fully healed.
Takes a whole lot to forgive totally
Imagine being burnt not by the fire thrown by the enemy but by that within the church.
Some leave the church and sometimes even Christ
Some stay in church, but they are just there floating (neither hot nor cold), disinterested
Some also stay and pretend. They come to church, clap and dance, raise holy hands, speak in tongues but they are hurting deep
They are only still hanging around because that is what church have been to them and they can't really accept or confront that hurt/pain.
So they pretend it never happened
All of these people, struggling, becoming worn out/exhausted, robbed of the experience of enjoying true fellowship with other believers.
These people are all around us
Pierced hearts, crying deep and silent tears inside, all of these not visible to those looking
Some of us might even have caused others such pain at some point in our lives.
To victims of Church hurt, most ask WHY? in the bid to get closure.
Did I do something wrong?
How is this person doing this to me and still preaching every Sunday?
Am I really the bad person?
It goes on and on.
I will try to answer the why (generally) and I'm sure it applies for everyone regardless
Though the body of Christ is Christ's radiant bride (Rev 19: 7-8), a house for God's spirit, it is very possible that we see a contrast between the biblical descriptions/images and our own personal experience in a church
Why? The church is made up of people.
People of diverse backgrounds, age, personalities, sin struggles, convictions, cultures.
Because of this conflict in personalities, the church is not perfect.
Rather everyone is growing into perfection
Even the early disciples had an inkling of this, so much that they wrote different letters addressing how members of the church should behave with one another
While the church is the body and bride of Christ, we shouldn't be surprised by hurt in the church.
Everyone is coming from different places, with different kind of hurt also
Some wounded more than others
Some yet to experience human love
And all they now know is the love of God, which they are actually growing in
They are also yet to grasp this love fully.
(please note that I'm not making excuses for those that might have hurt you but rather explaining where they are also coming from)
People who come from a life of constantly gossiping about others.
People whose parents always talked down on, condemned at every given opportunity and never fail to remind they are a mistake
People who though have been redeemed and saved from the old life, but sometimes still relate to the wickedness in the heart of (the old) man
These are the people we are dealing with and at a point in our lives, we are or have been these people to some others also
You've surely gossiped or condemned someone before
This brings me to our teaching from last 2 weeks.
John 15:12
Love others just as I have loved you
If there is love (just as Christ's), we won't hurt other members of His body.
Remember we said the criteria for this love is, Just as Christ
A lot of people are yet to know and embrace fully how much Christ loves them
From pastors down to members
So they can't love you rightly
A lot of people have known only a life of rejection, hurt and pain by those closest to them
Though they have come to know Christ but they are yet to let go completely of that old life
You can't give what you don't have
Hurt people Hurt people
The pastor that rejects a member of the body of Christ for sinning is yet to understand the love of Christ fully.
Christ accepts everyone just as we are, even the one condemning
The member who sexually abuses another is yet to know the love of Christ
That person that makes it their duty to see everything wrong in whatever you do, if they know the love of Christ, they'd know that He loved us even when everything was wrong.
Like not one right thing we did to deserve His love
Wherever it is the hurt is coming from, whatever form it happens, have it in mind that the person that hurt you also needs help
So to break the Whys down :
Sin, the old man, past experiences/way of life, little or no understanding of the Love of Christ
For those that'd say they were just being wicked, of course the heart of man (the old man) is desperately wicked and filled with all manner of evil
The church people, The ushers, praise team, pastors, congregation, all constitute of people from the world, imperfect people.
Take note of where everyone is coming from
And a lot of people carry extra load from their previous location to the church (sometimes they are not even aware, actually most times)
Now, any of us could be the one dishing out contents from the extra load we brought into this new place
It could be you hurting me tomorrow
Or me hurting another the day after
Always have in mind, the church is filled with broken but growing people (in different degrees and pace)
Now we've tackled the why but it necessarily doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't take the pain away or the deed
You didn't come to the body of Christ to be hurt as though you were in the world.
I know
So let's move to you
You cannot Heal if you don't forgive.
It is not possible
Let's go to the scripture, has anyone in the bible felt hurt by people they trust?
Can someone relate to your pain/how you feel?
My best friend, the one I trusted, the one who ate with me—even he has turned against me.
Psalms 41:9 ERV
David at a point felt hurt by those he trusted. Those he'd have expected to know better
This pain/hurt, Paul experienced it. That pain/hurt, even Christ experienced it.
John 13:18
"he who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me"
We do not have a high priest that is not in tune with our feelings and sufferings.
So yes, God knows exactly how we feel
First step towards letting go
Know exactly what you are feeling. Be honest about identifying this.
Remove your focus from the people that hurt you or how it happened.
Put a word to how you feel. Is it hurt, pain, disappointment, unbelief in God, rejection, sorrow, Shame, embarrassment, fear, anger?
Find out exactly how you feel, the core of your hurt.
Search scriptures relating to that which you find out.
What does the Bible say about being rejected by men, even the body of Christ?
Meditate on the scripture you find. Let it be on your mind at all time till it becomes a standard.
Your focus is now on the word, not on the people that hurt you or the pain
It's easier for God to reach you in this state and heal you
Do not be mad at God
A lot of people are angry at God cos they feel He could have stepped into the situation and stopped others from hurting them.He could have just done something.
Never forget, everyone is striving for perfection and God doesn't take the blame for what people do. The problem is people not God.
If we are angry at God, its harder to reach out to us.
Most atheists are on this table. A lot are holding something against God. Probably they expected Him to come through in a situation and He didn't.
You can feel the hurt when you speak with them.
Their only defense mechanism is concluding there is no God.
When you preach to them, they can't understand because of the anger in their hearts and pain
Leaving the church or not
This is something to pray about. Sometimes, we have to leave an abusive space to actually heal.
But have in mind, wherever you go it is still human beings you are going to meet there.
People with diverse backgrounds and culture.
That pain, it is not about the building. It is about humans, the people inside the building
Pray before you take this decision, speak to someone and of course make sure you do not leave on a bad note
Know who the enemy is
The enemy of Christ is the enemy of the body of Christ.
And this enemy is not the person sitting in the next pew
It's not the man that hurt you, preaching every Sunday with the mic.
Never forget who your real enemy is
Behind all the people hurting others, is one strategically motivating them to do so, in all manner of cun and craftiness. The devil. And I'm sure you know his agenda, his end game
He is actively seeking people to devour, and those people that hurt you?
They are just pawns in all of his schemes. They are not the enemy Never be mistaken about this
Someday soon, he will be destroyed forever. We do not wrestle against flesh and blood.
Satan will not come and steal, kill, destroy physically. He will use people, flawed and broken people to achieve his agenda.
We should always be alert to recognize all his schemes
Take it to God
A lot of us complain more about being hurt than actually praying about it.
God says to call upon him in the day of trouble.
Pain and deep hurt is a troubled heart.
Take it to God. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable before Him
Pray for the people that hurt you
This is a bit difficult but a huge Step towards forgiving. You already know they are not the enemy and are just pawns, you certainly do not want them to keep doing Satan's works without knowing.
Put them in your prayer. Pray for them
Stop looking for closure rather seek comfort in God
Closure is actually very overrated (to me)
You might get it and it will still not be satisfying, the reasons might not be enough for you.
They might sound stupid. So just rest in the arms of our loving father.
Allow Him tend to you. Allow Him comfort you and heal you
Forgive And Let Go
We've talked on forgiveness a lot of times so I won't dwell on this.
Remember forgiving doesn't justify what the person did to you.
Forgiveness is for you. You can't afford to keep swallowing poison hoping the other person will die.
Forgive and let go. Think more of letting go and less about the pain
Remember our teaching on Just as Christ? Forgive, just as Christ
To The church
A lot of us are part of the culture/people that hurt others.
It's a circle but I believe it can be stopped.
It starts with you and I.
That holiness/standard we look out for in people, pursue it. Be intentional in your relationship with others
Even if you don't understand you've hurt someone, as long as they are hurt you should reach out to them. Don't be defensive
End the circle, don't hurt people. Don't be quick to condemn or use harsh words.
Be accountable:
The church needs to stop covering up for its members or leaders that hurt others. It is part of becoming, it is a process. We should be truthful and honest in dealing with such situations.
Finally, LOVE JUST AS CHRIST
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